Carpe diem

• Money cannot make you happy, but lack of money can make you unhappy.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
• Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!